never enough

when i woke up this morning, a cliché suddenly hit me; people are never satisfied. yes. i'm pretty sure it happens in every aspects of life. career, grades, wealth, money, body, recognition, love, and even the littlest things like foods and clothes. people are simply never get enough. it's natural and it's humanly. i tried to remember every moments in my life that is filled with that cliché. it was all really...... cliché. until i came to think about love, which got a little bit twisted here. before it was an official relationship, the conversation in chats were filled with caps lock greetings, caps lock laughs, endless virtual hugs, endless 'i miss you(s)', you know, cheesy things teens do when they're madly in love. it made sense because.. we actually never met more than once in real life before we became a couple. simple words and an agreement made us a couple, and also made some things change. it was a rocky road at first; full of arguments, silences, awkwardness, and fights. although at some points it was still as sweet as it was before, it was really tiring to the point where i didn't even know what to do anymore. now it's all settled. no more awkwardness, no more fights and such. we finally can talk what's bugging our mind and feelings, we can talk whatever we want to each other, we simply fill each other lacks. but here's the weird thing, once it all got settled, i miss the cheesy things at the beginning, the endless virtual hugs, the endless 'i miss you(s)', and all.. it's not really important, but somehow i really miss it. see the twisted-ness there? and also, it's a simple prove that me, a part from humans in this world, simply never gets enough.

what if

he doesn't take me to romantic dinners, but takes me around the city and end up eating street foods. he's capable of making me laugh so hard, but can be serious in the right situation. he gives me as much trust as i give him. he doesn't try to change who i am, because he knows that's who he fell for in the first place. he's someone to make fun of, someone who would try to annoy me so much, someone who always calms me down without even trying. with that i realize how much i love him, and how much he means to me. i mean, he has the ability to calm me down without even saying anything. just being with me and then suddenly i feel so peaceful.

he's someone who's not afraid to throw come backs at me whenever we're messing around. he's someone that can be sweet all of sudden, someone who can make me feel like our relationship is the one like in the movies. he's someone who hugs me and kisses me in the forehead and says "i love u". he would get jealous by other guys, but he understands that i don't love anyone else but him. he'd be there when i'm sick, taking care of me. he'd be there when i'm in tears, he'd be there when i'm just sick of everything and need someone to entertain me with his goofyness. he's someone who looks everything on the bright side, and tells me not to be paranoid and overthinking at everything. he's someone with a rad taste in music and movies. he's someone cheesy in a funny and different way.

and it scares me a lot to realize how much he means to me. when it hits me, all these thoughts and questions rush through my head at once. i am beyond happy, but also scared and sad, all at the same time as i start to wonder.

what if, for some reason, things don't work out? how am i possibly going to live a normal happy life without him?


i came to think of it, that, he was once a stranger, and now he is the only person i know like the back of my hand. he is someone i once had no emotions for, and now he has the power to break my heart into scattered pieces. he is someone i never used to go out with, but now he owns most of my time. he is someone i never thought i'd love, but now he owns my entire heart.

he is someone i once can live without, but now, he is someone i wish to hold onto, forever.

someone

let me refresh ur memory a bit. i was the one who listened to ur problems. i was the one who took ur bull craps. i was the one who actually cared about u. i was the one who stuck around even when everyone told me to leave. i was the one who stood up for u. i was the one who loved u, even when u gave me every reason not to. lastly, i was the one who was there for u when no one else was.

"sometimes, the smallest decisions can change ur life"

after years of living, i seem to have found universal truths about love; it will happen when u least expect it. it's hard to control the velocity and trajectory of love. love can change, and love will probably change u. love brings both happiness and pain. the last but not least, love is more than just a romantic relationship. and just for the record, the memories we remember the best are the ones attached to great emotions. that is why the people who express love through physical acts are just freaks. love isn't physical, it's emotional.

some relationships built over years, then faded slowly. others were too quick to ignite, and burnt out just as fast. maybe it's because, sometimes, u can't help who ur heart attaches itself to. love can make us a better person, or it can drag us down into dark side of us, thus turn us into something we want, or don't wanna become. that is the nature of the beast. love can be as easy as holding hands, or kissing someone goodnight. but it also can be as hard as walking away, and knowing that ur heart only beats for them. love isn't perfect, we will all have our bad and tiring days, drive each other crazy, and having disagreements. but when a relationship between 2 people goes bad, sometimes love isn't enough and u realize that u need, or have to let go. or sometimes, those fights will show a way of how much the both of u needs each other whatever it takes.

the point of love is, we don't choose who we fall in love with. when u're in love, u will realize the difference between just loving someone, or being in love with someone. i, myself, found myself being in love with someone. and when u're in love, even the littlest things matter the most. for that someone i'm being in love with, i'd like u to know that i thank u. i know i don't say thank u at all times. and in case u wanna know how i thank u, here they are.

i thank u by every glance i made into those kind and understanding eyes, by when our fingers touch and our palms interconnect with each other like pieces of a puzzle, by when i feel the warmth when u wrap me around. and even when we fight and yell, i thank u with these tired eyes of forgiveness and smile wearily. i thank u through a shrug of the shoulders, a laugh, a cry. thank u for being mine, for not being an asshole, for letting me fall head over heels with u, for wanting me as much as i want u, for letting me in, and for needing me as i need u. thank u for being there for me. thank u for being together with me, and thank u for making us happen.

not even an unexpected branch could scrape me as we pass

when u fall so hard for ur best friend, that's the very moment where you'll feel confuse. u know it could potentially ruin ur friendship but u can't help it. it's the feelings u can't take control over it. it feels amazing to have someone to talk to, share things with, confide in, someone to ask u how ur day was and you'd be comfortable enough to share without fear of ridicule or disinterest. those things of course leads into something. i had never imagined before how it would be if i have a thing for my own bestfriend. never. but as time flies, i didn't realize that the feelings had piled up. when i realized it, it's kinda confusing me because once again, he's my own bestfriend.

but when we've finally made a choice to be together, it's really nice to have someone who really really gets u without even discovering or finding out how. he knows when i wanna be alone or when i need him to hold me close. he somehow understands my limits and knows where to draw the line. he accepts me for me and would never try to change me. i know i can just be myself when i'm with him because he accepts my flaws. and even though i'm afraid of being awkward in front of him, he won't make me feel bad. i like how i feel very well when we hug. we agree on most important things, and we balance each other well. we also know how to keep friends while being in a relationship. i know we're so cliche. i just can't count the times in a day we say "i love u", yet this countless amount never seems like it's enough. the love between us is one of the best feelings i've ever experienced, it couldn't be described. he brings out the joyful youth in me. he's showed me what being happy is and have shown me that i've been missing out on happiness for far too long. the first time he told me how he felt, that he loves me, it was just....ajshdgkjahsgd.

but i doubted that possibility, i doubted us as a couple, and i laughed a bit how cliche it seemed. i mean, yes, i did fantasized about the possibility but i never thought i could feel that way so literally. even at first we became closer, i just couldn't picture us being that close. for me, it was just....really weird. but in the times we weren't together, it was always like there was this magnet inside of us that only we could feel. i don't even remember how that happened, how i felt that. but in fact, i felt that and still feeling it. whenever i see him or hear him or read something he writes, he always give me that instasmiles. i don't even remember the exact moment how "we" first started. but in just one year, he's succeeded of making me afraid because there's only one of him.

changes

there will come a time in life when u have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it. it happens to everyone as they grow up. u have to surround yourself with people who make u laugh so hard that u forget the bad and focus solely on the good. you'll find out who u are and what u want, and then you'll realize that people you've known forever don't see things the way u do. sometimes, i wonder why we all hang into something we know we're better off letting go. it's like we're scared to lose what we don't even really have. some people say we'd rather have that then nothing at all. well, truth is, to have it halfway is harder than not having it all. so keep the wonderful memories. but find yourself moving on.

how a simple statement really snapped me..

it was 12.30 AM and i just woke up from my extra-long nap. got bored while doing my homework, then my friend hit me up on fb chat. we talked a lot about life, then one of his statement really got me. here's what he said:

❝ I think the tasks, all the theories, homeworks whatsoever are quite being a problem for you because you just haven't seen the big picture of it. As you'll get older, you'll find them all useful, not each one of them, not knowing that 1+1 is 2, but the whole idea of it will become useful. Like for example, mathematics teach you that every problem has a solution, things like that, you know. ❞